I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
