If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
