No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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