My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That was an excessively violent trivia night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
