i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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