She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
