Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
