fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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