i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
