I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
