...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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