Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
