I met the friendliest cop last night
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
