Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
