I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
