I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
