hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
