all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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