someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
