eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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