So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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