I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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