I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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