the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
