she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize