I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
