Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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