Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You took a bar mat shot.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
