I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
