I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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