I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize