so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
