This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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