i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
