Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
