I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
