So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
