The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
