I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
