I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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