why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
