Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
