I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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