i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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