i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize