it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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