I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
