This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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