I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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