I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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