Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
