I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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