my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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