I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
