I accidentally burped into my bong.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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