Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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