i think my mom watched the whole time
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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