i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
they need to just BURY HIM!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
