I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
