You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
