my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
