I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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