I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
