You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
we're so committed to being not committed
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
