the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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