fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
