There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
