well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
