It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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