You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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