You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
